When people think of me, they usually think of cheese, burritos, wine and cats. So, when I decided to do The Whole30 and take three out of those four things away for 30 days (cats got to stay, obvs), it was quite the shocker. I’ll get into the hairy details of the entire program in my next post, but for now, here’s all the
annoying wonderful things that happen during The Whole30.
1. Your friends will probably hate you.
Guess what? The Whole30 basically robs you of everything fun for an entire month. This means no dairy, legumes, grains, added sugar, MSG or booze. YES, I SAID BOOZE. All of that basically translates to being a sober, boring food nazi whenever you’re at a restaurant or in a public place or anywhere else that’s not your couch. Pro tip: Don’t ever leave your house.
2. You’ll talk about food so much that you’ll annoying the shit out of yourself.
Look, it’s just really hard to not talk about something that basically consumes your entire life. I mean, have you read a food label lately? Why is there sugar in EVERYTHING? I know, I hate myself too, but still.
3. If you do The Whole30 with friends, you’ll talk about some really not okay topics.
Thank the lord I had two partners in crime during this “experience”, because I 100% would’ve died if it weren’t for them. Our Whole30 Support Group text blew up every day, and sometimes conversations went to weird places. I guess if you haven’t talked about how amazingly clean your bowels are, you’re not really living.
4. Working out is a nightmare.
Working out is always the worst thing in the world, but when you’re not eating anything good, it’s even worse. One might even go as far as to say it is THE worst.
5. You Google things like “how to have fun without drinking”.
I swear I’m not an alcoholic, but what is there to do for fun at night if you’re not consuming alcohol? Go bowling? No. Go to dinner at a health food restaurant and see The Jungle Book with a bunch of children while eating walnuts instead of popcorn? Apparently.
6. You get really effing mad.
There’s something about having road rage in traffic only to come home and NOT be able to drink a glass of wine that really gets me going.
7. You feel really effing great.
Whenever I wasn’t insanely mad, I was insanely happy. Having no hangovers for an entire month is kindof a miracle. Pants fitting looser doesn’t hurt either.
8. You break some bad habits.
At my place of work, there’s a free employee cafeteria. In said cafeteria, there are bad things. Very. bad. things. A few weeks before I kicked off the 30 days, I sat down in that cafeteria at 3 PM and ate fish in creamy fish sauce, a piece of rocky road chocolate cake and a slice of pizza. FOR SNACK. Embarrassing. That’s an extreme example but seriously thank little baby Jesus for The Whole30 because I’ve kicked the afternoon binge of death for good.
9. You get some pretty chill results.
I’ve basically heard nothing but success stories from Whole30-ers. For me, I lost all the weight I gained from eating in that damn cafeteria for six months. Ugh, but yay.
10. You learn some potentially sad news.
After eliminating so many foods and reintroducing them slowly back into your diet, you could learn some potentially sad news. I learned that popcorn and nightshades absolutely tear me up. Some people really can’t do dairy. And then, there’s my one friend who can no longer handle booze. That, my friends, is the real tragedy (stay up girl, you’ll be back to normal soon).