These days, working out and eating your veggies is super hip. Eating pizza & drinking milkshakes is out, and going to get salads at True Food Kitchen is in. Say peace out to stuffing your face with avocado egg rolls and a heap of fettucine alfredo at The Cheesecake Factory. No no no, start a 3-day juice cleanse with your best betches instead! Obvi. To really be super hot and totally skinny, follow these easy steps. Disclaimer: I do all of these things and I am not ashamed.
Step 1. Take a ‘before’ pic and post it on Instagram!
Make sure that you are very pale and sad-looking in the before pic. It also helps to have roots and wear an old sports bra or a weird old P.E. shirt from high school.
Step 2. Go to Whole Foods, Sprouts or your local farmer’s market and stock up on kale, quinoa, cauliflower, chia seeds and other trendy foods.
This will show everyone that you mean business. You can also go on Pinterest and get a bunch of recipes to make spaghetti squash or roasted brussel sprouts or other shit like that.
Step 3. Do a juice cleanse (duh).
These suck. Like really bad. They’re horrible. No food?! Ew. But if you want to look cool and hot and fit in in today’s society, you better do a juice cleanse and live tweet the entire thing. Say things like “MMM beet juice – I love it!” or “can’t get enough of this carrot-apple-squash-peach-lettuce juice #dinner!”
Step 4. Go to hot yoga and work out in the gym – don’t forget to Instagram the process and send Snapchats.
If you want to look more hardcore, spray some extra water on your face for a “sweaty but sexy” look. Also, take pictures of yourself lifting really heavy weights (like 15-pounders). If you don’t feel like working out but you want to show people that you are cool, spot someone in the gym running extra fast on the treadmill and the second they get off, go take a picture of how far they ran (make sure it’s at least 3 miles and try to find someone that looks like they have impressive timing). Then, send that pic to all the boys in your phone and pass it off like you were the super hardcore and speedy runner.
Step 5. Make sure to use the correct hashtags whenever you’re sharing your hardcore workout or excellent diet on any social media platform.
#eatclean #traindirty #paleo #paleodiet #fit #fitfam #fit4lyfe #healthy #fitspo #fitness #fitnessmodel #fitnessfreak #active #strong
Step 6. OMG CHEAT DAY.
Or cheat days… cheat week… cheat life (personal fav).
Step 7. Drink lemon juice, maple syrup, cayenne pepper and other shit for like 3 days.
Beyonce does this. Therefore, if you do this you will look like Beyonce.
Step 8. When you can’t tone it, tan it!
All of the weird food and juices you’ve been eating and drinking probably have you feeling like your diet isn’t going as great as you’d hoped (the multiple cheat days didn’t help either). But don’t worry! Tanning makes everything better.
Step 9. Post your after pic to all social media accounts!
Now, you’re hot and awesome. Show your new bod to the world!
Step 10. Celebrate how hot you are by saying f*ck it and grabbing 5 margaronas, a couple shots of tequila, a cookie ice cream sandwich from The Baked Bear, a couple pounds of takeout chinese food and of course the McRib from Mcdizzles!
You deserve it, after all.
Step 11. Repeat until desired results are achieved.
You got dis (this time will be different I swear).
Featured photo from Harpers Bazaar.