Before I dive into this, I’m clearing up the obvious. Is it wrong to be on a dating app over the age of 30? The answer is no, absolutely not. If I’m still snookin’ for love in five years, you bet your ass I’ll be trolling for dudes on the Internet.
That being said, something happens between 29 and 30. Dudes start wearing those sporty dad sunglasses and an overwhelming feeling of bitterness seems to creep into their dating bios. Now, this is not going to stop me from dating dudes who are at least 30, but men, you can do better than this.
Given that I’m a huge control freak with a habit of getting wine drunk alone on Friday nights, most of my Internet swiping happens on Bumble. It puts me in the driver’s seat and allows me to not feel bad about sending wildly inappropriate/hilarious pickup lines that scare men away. Of course, it would be wrong to not let the entire Internet dating world see what I have to offer, so the first amazing bachelor comes to us from Hinge.
Every time I think of the name Chase, I either think about this weird kid I went to elementary school with who used to choke other kids for fun, or Chase, the Bachelor contestant who looks like he likes being choked for fun. All the while, my conversation with Hinge Chase made me feel like I wanted to choke him (not for fun). Chase responded to my amazing and hilarious “cool girl” opener with a line that showed he did not do his homework. Sir, Google exists for a reason. How do you think I know what “sports” even are? After I tried to help a bro out, poor Chase still couldn’t cross the finish line. Tragically, he will never know what sloshball is.
In the spirit of mixing things up, I also tried Coffee Meets Bagel. This app basically lets the ladies collect beans and then they have to flick their beans at the dudes/bagels to match with them. I’m not super into this app, and this Catholic pilot confirmed that. He’s clearly a complex dude. Chivalrous and polite, yet a huge pain in the ass. Immediately thinks of steak and sex for his likes, but is totally JK and actually loves long walks on the beach. He appreciates when his date “lets the night just happen, rather than freak out when something happens that wasn’t part of the plan.”
PAUSE. Is that rapey? Tell me that isn’t rapey.
Back to our regularly scheduled Bumbling. I almost have no words for Nicky here… almost. First of all, Saint Nick is a “Doctor” with no workplace listed and lists his most recent education as high school. Normal. Second of all, WHAT THE HELL NICHOLAS? I almost wanted to match with this asshole just to see if he’s a real human or just a pile of cold, moldy deli meat with a confederate flag sticking out of the top. There’s no way he gets any matches.
Except wait… what’s that? Ladies, he’s 6 feet tall!!!!!! *swipes right*
Corey here has a PhD, so he knows ladies likely aren’t as smart as he is and they need emojis to be able to read. Ya know, like one of them picture books. Corey is caucasian, but wants to emphasize that he has no African-American children. He also luvs 2 abbreviate. My favorite thing about Corey is that he’s a walking contradiction: Hearts God, says “fuck” 2 much. A true renaissance man.
Justin has a rare fetish where his date can only speak using sensual words that start with the letter S. He’s clearly a huge catch as he describes himself as smart, witty, both energetic and energized (entrepreneurs drink a lot of Red Bull) and… calculated. I don’t know about you, but when I think of the word “calculated” I usually think about serial killers. I mean, at least “serial killer” starts with an S.
First off, idiots, Dick here doesn’t need school, he has Google. Maybe that’s something our boy Hinge Chase should’ve figured out, no? Anyway, Dick does yoga in Costa Rica, meditates on mountains, plans to climb Everest in a few years and totally loves life. YOLO, ya know?
Paul is a mystery to me. Also a “doctor”, he’s either the biggest douche or biggest animal lover on the planet. Due to the fact that he’s using his one opportunity at love to save thousands if not MILLIONS of elephants from abuse in Thailand, I’ll let you be the judge.
I’m not even going to discuss the fact that Thomas chose a shirtless/no face pic for his profile. BITCH, EVERYBODY KNOWS GUAC IS EXTRA.