First of all, Lord Almighty it’s been a minute since I’ve blogged. I’d love to be one of those YouTubers who starts each video with “OMG, I’m so sorry I haven’t uploaded in so long. I’ve been soooooooooo busy”, but honestly, I’m just lazy (or maybe it takes me a full month to recover from vacation, who knows).
That being said, I know my fans are absolutely DYING to hear about my Cabo trip, so here you go babes!
Day 1: The Most Lit
Before jumping straight into the play-by-play, I need to set the scene: four girls, one (straight) dude, two hotel rooms, one referee whistle, 15 bathing suits, seven iPhone chargers, and five
obnoxious strong personalities. Let the games begin.
The trip started with a 5 a.m. wakeup call to catch a 7 a.m. flight. I’m not sure if we’re the smartest or dumbest people on the planet, but we figured the earlier we got there, the more time we had to drink copious amounts of tequila. Smart, I think.
After hopping through security at around 5:50 a.m. and almost shanking the man in front of me who couldn’t figure out how to take his laptop out of his sack, I had to wait an entire 10 minutes before I could order my first airport beer. One sip later and I was mentally on the beaches of Mexico.
Things were pretty smooth after that. I peed seven times during the flight, sweated through customs, grabbed a celebratory airport arrival beer and boarded our private car to Tesoro Los Cabos. Welcome to Cabo, bitches.
Our first priority was definitely food and cerveza. We went to some random restaurant next to our hotel on the marina, fed our holes and felt satisfied.
Then, something happened.
“I’ll have a frozen mango margarita, por favor”, our straight male amigo said.
It became the phrase, theme, vibe and general party chant of the trip. We were doomed.
With a solid buzz, we hit up Señor Frog’s (hola, I’m a tourist) for some good old fashioned alcohol in the mouth, balloon animal hat, cheapo cerveza, party rage time.
That’s the thing I love about Mexico, ya know? People are always willing to pour alcohol in your mouth. I mean, my money also somehow disappears after the alcohol is poured, but whatever, small detail.
It wouldn’t be vacation if we didn’t get our pool drank on. After Señor Frog’s and trying/failing to take a water taxi to another bar, we ended up at the hotel pool. In the photo above, you can see me performing a unique interpretive dance in the beautiful blue water that I definitely did not pee in multiple times. Bliss!
Something about the chlorine in the pool (or me peeing in the pool) decided to turn my hair green. You can see a green tint in my locks in the photo above, but whatever, nothing could stop me from more margaritas, and that meant dinner and drinks at The Office on the Beach.
“I’ll have a frozen mango margarita por favor”, our amigo said. Our fate was sealed.
Some might say it was all downhill from there, but I’m not giving them the satisfaction. After dinner, the night continued with some time at Pink Kitty, El Squid Roe, somewhere else, somewhere else, and somewhere else…? We met a newly married couple on our journey and gave them one of the top hangovers of their marriage, thus far. Oh, and I may have kissed one of the bartenders/servers (briefly, mom).
When in Rome, do as the Romans do.
Day 2: I Hate Boats
Day 2 arrived quickly and I felt groovy. I rocked my Zaddy hat from Kimoji Merch and was ready to seize the day. We were going on a snorkeling booze cruise to the arch (hola, I’m still a tourist) and I was truly stoked.
That ended about 15 minutes into the cruise.
I may or may not have had vertigo three times in the past couple years which initially started because of a cruise to Ensenada, so your girl isn’t the best with rocky waters. At least I looked fly and got this sickass photo.
Also this one.
I’ll spare you the rest of the boat details because they literally include me dying, me complaining about dying, me popping herbal dizziness pills, and me attempting to force alcohol down my throat to “balance myself out”. Hint: it doesn’t work.
Thankfully, we arrived safely on shore and I mustered up the strength to hit up Mango Deck.
“Uno mango margarita, por favor.” Fuck.
All of a sudden, I had a Raven-Symone-style flashback to Cabo Spring Break 2012.
We were at Mango Deck, 20 years old, getting “yolo” henna tattoos on our boobs and running around with strange men from other strange colleges. Suddenly, we saw a banana boat in the water that was crawling with hombres calientes. We hopped onto the banana boat, met the men, hung out with them for the rest of the trip, exchanged numbers, brought them to our sorority formal when spring break was over, fell in love with them and that was that. Oh, that last part was just me?
Anyway, after Mango Deck, we bopped around, chugged some cerveza, downed some lemon drop shots and eventually got ourselves ready for dinner.
Dinner was another spring break 2012 flashback. During that trip, we almost exclusively ate at El Corral, a restaurant that was close to our hotel and was included in our all-inclusive eating plan. I may or may not have madeout with a server/bartender on that trip too. Oops (hola madre).
After dinner, we repeated night one except maybe less bars and definitely no married couples.
Day 3: Classy Bitches
My photos from day 3 are weak because, welp, day 3 was pretty weak (or at least I was). We did the usual: cerveza, cerveza, mango margarita, chilaquiles, tacos, etc.
We also hit up the local shops where I bought three painted skulls and a mini Mexican backpack. I also maybe thought the child I bought the items from stole $20 from me, but that was a misunderstanding. Lo siento.
The real fun came when dinner finally rolled around. I don’t know about you, but your girl loves herself a fancy dinner and Sunset Monalisa was the perfect spot.
I’ll set the scene: four amigas, one amigo, white outfits, green hair, one taxi, 600 martinis.
We kicked things off at the bar and I gulped down a delicious espresso martini. Whoever combined my two vices into one delicious beverage needs a medal, but that’s neither here nor there.
Once we were seated, we decided to ball hard. That meant bottles of wine, three course meals and boujee photos the entire time. To get serious for a second, this was hands down my favorite part of the trip. We had an amazing view, delicious food, quality service (they play conch shells when the sun sets?!) and felt like the classy bitches we are.
To end the trip, we blasted Hotel California in the cab and the amigas went to a hookah bar for some girl time. We headed out the next day after eating at some restaurant on Diners, Drive-ins and Dives, and I purchased my Cabo Starbucks mug souvenir which meant the trip was officially dunzo.
Oh, and the best part? I didn’t even die from that tainted Mexican alcohol they found.